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Literature Text
I awaken in a place unfamiliar. My skin is ash white, my eyes are black as coal. These are the only colors that I see all around me.
It is cold. The kind that seeps into your soul. It is so cold...
Beyond me there is nothingness as far as the eye can see. With nothing better to do, I wander without reason. The mist that covers the ground nips at my heels, swirling as I go.
There is no life as far as I can tell. Perhaps at one time, but not now. All I feel is the charred and blackened vegetation being crushed underfoot.
My sanity frays. I trudge on aimlessly. How long have I traveled? A second? An eon? What does it matter...
I cannot tell for time has no place here. It exists not.
In the distance, a towering, dark mass appears upon the horizon. With great trepidation, I am reluctantly pulled towards it. I remind myself it is something and something must surely be better than nothing.
As I draw closer, I realize it is an ancient tree. Gnarled and warped by the ravages of time, it could only be described as twisted agony.
Exhausted, I slump against it and drift off to sleep.
My eyes open upon hearing a rustle above me.
On a branch, no taller than myself, a raven is perched. With its curiously yellow eyes, it gazes deep into my soul. It opens its maw and what I heard next was beyond disbelief.
It speaks of all my fears, my failures, my shames and sins. Unrelenting, mercilessly, and endlessly it continued.
Broken, I fall to my knees. My face buried into the palms of my hands...
"So, this is Hell..."
It is cold. The kind that seeps into your soul. It is so cold...
Beyond me there is nothingness as far as the eye can see. With nothing better to do, I wander without reason. The mist that covers the ground nips at my heels, swirling as I go.
There is no life as far as I can tell. Perhaps at one time, but not now. All I feel is the charred and blackened vegetation being crushed underfoot.
My sanity frays. I trudge on aimlessly. How long have I traveled? A second? An eon? What does it matter...
I cannot tell for time has no place here. It exists not.
In the distance, a towering, dark mass appears upon the horizon. With great trepidation, I am reluctantly pulled towards it. I remind myself it is something and something must surely be better than nothing.
As I draw closer, I realize it is an ancient tree. Gnarled and warped by the ravages of time, it could only be described as twisted agony.
Exhausted, I slump against it and drift off to sleep.
My eyes open upon hearing a rustle above me.
On a branch, no taller than myself, a raven is perched. With its curiously yellow eyes, it gazes deep into my soul. It opens its maw and what I heard next was beyond disbelief.
It speaks of all my fears, my failures, my shames and sins. Unrelenting, mercilessly, and endlessly it continued.
Broken, I fall to my knees. My face buried into the palms of my hands...
"So, this is Hell..."
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The following is for
Critique [link]
Thank you for taking the time to read this!
I'd appreciate any and all feedback.
1. I hope you enjoyed the story! If not, what didn't you like about it?
2. Was there enough description in it? Too long, too short?
3. Any errors I need to correct?
Thanks again!
The following is for
Critique [link]
Thank you for taking the time to read this!
I'd appreciate any and all feedback.
1. I hope you enjoyed the story! If not, what didn't you like about it?
2. Was there enough description in it? Too long, too short?
3. Any errors I need to correct?
Thanks again!
© 2011 - 2024 Laugh-Till-You-Bleed
Comments12
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I really like the stark style this is written in. The short paragraphs, and fairly short sentences sort of drive home the bleakness that you’re conveying with your words.
When the raven comes in, there’s sort of a break in your verb tenses. Everything except for “spoke” is in the present tense (which is good,I think present tense works here), but it really broke the flow for me. I would change “spoke” to “speaks”, unless you have a reason for putting it in the past tense.
I also think that the ambiguous nature of the piece breaks down here. Perhaps try something like, “It speaks all of the things I do not want to hear, can not hear. It whispers of things done in the cover of darkness, things no one else knows.”
I really like the realization that this is hell, and the reader can’t even find comfort in a conventional imagining of hell. This is something terrible, and foreign, worse than we thought. Its unsettling, and that’s great.
I liked this a lot, nice job.
When the raven comes in, there’s sort of a break in your verb tenses. Everything except for “spoke” is in the present tense (which is good,I think present tense works here), but it really broke the flow for me. I would change “spoke” to “speaks”, unless you have a reason for putting it in the past tense.
I also think that the ambiguous nature of the piece breaks down here. Perhaps try something like, “It speaks all of the things I do not want to hear, can not hear. It whispers of things done in the cover of darkness, things no one else knows.”
I really like the realization that this is hell, and the reader can’t even find comfort in a conventional imagining of hell. This is something terrible, and foreign, worse than we thought. Its unsettling, and that’s great.
I liked this a lot, nice job.