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April 18, 2011
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I remember when I was finally able to convince my parents to buy me a pet lizard.  I was so excited!  It lived inside a wooden cage with a wire mesh in front.  I named it Mr. Lizard.  I wasn't very good at coming up with names.

Everyday, when I came back home from school, I'd go to my room and would feed Mr. Lizard a cricket.  I thought that was the neatest part about having a lizard.  It was fun to watch as the cricket hopped around inside the cage as Mr. Lizard eyed it.  I kept thinking, "Oh man, I wonder when he'll eat the cricket!"  Then "Munch!"  It was done.  I was somewhat disgusted by it, but at the same time fascinated.

One night, I was watching a nature show on TV and the people in it were trying to rescue some animals that were captured illegally and being sold as pets.  They managed to save a few and then released them back into the wild.  Everyone was happy and patting each other on the back.  I thought it was a wonderful story and it made me smile.

Later that evening, as I lay in bed staring at Mr. Lizard, I thought how cruel it was to keep him.  I got up and went over to him and said, "How would you like to be free?"  Mr. Lizard wasn't very talkative, but I could have sworn he nodded at me.

With the cage under my arm, I snuck past my parents' bedroom and quietly made my way outside.  It was a very dark night and I was a little scared, but my desire to free Mr. Lizard helped me overcome my fear.  I set the cage down and opened it.  Without a moment's hesitation, he bolted out of the cage and ran off into the night.  I was a little disappointed because I thought, at the very least, he could have said, "Thank you."  Still, it made me feel good inside.  I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face.

The next morning, I went to go play in a field that was across from my house.  As I was walking past a tree, I noticed a bunch of ants at the base of it.  There were so many of them that I couldn't see what they were eating.  So, I got a stick and poked them.  They scattered and then, to my horror, I saw Mr. Lizard.  I felt really sick.  I dropped the stick and ran home.

Once I got home, I sat on my bed and covered myself with a blanket.  I was so very sad.  

I learned something important that day:

Not all stories have happy endings.
Just another daydream I had. =)

The following is for :iconthewrittenrevolution:
Critique [link]

Thank you for taking the time to read this! =D

I'd appreciate any and all feedback.

1. I hope you enjoyed the story! If not, what didn't you like about it?
2. Was it too slow in some places? Did the story keep you interested all the way through?
3. Any errors I need to correct?

Thanks again!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconclevina:
Clevina Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2011   Writer
I like everything about this story. Except the last sentence.

It sounds cliche and, in my opinion, is a disappointing end to an otherwise fantastic story. Since the lizard dies after being freed, why not have the narrator learn that freedom isn't always a good thing? It is more relevant and specific to the story than the general "not all stories have happy endings." And it is not as cliche.
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
XD Yeah, it is cliche.
I put that in because, in my mind, it was the first time the child had learned that lesson.
I'll think of an alternative ending, though and post it up under the story. =)
Thank you for taking the time to read it and critiquing it!
Glad you liked the story otherwise, despite the ending. XD
Reply
:iconclevina:
Clevina Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2011   Writer
Hmm, that's a good point actually. :)
But I'm also looking forward to reading the alternative ending. :D
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
After some thought, I came up with this alternative.
"Despite good intentions, there will always be unforeseen consequences."

or

"Who knew the price of freedom would be so steep?"

or

"I should have asked for a dog." =P
Reply
:iconclevina:
Clevina Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2011   Writer
I like the second one, but I would like it more if it were phrased as a statement rather than a question, like the first alternative! :D

And :lol:, the third one is funny.
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
Ya, you're right about that. I didn't quite like it that way either, but as the statement, it also seemed cliche. XD

I'm glad you enjoyed the last alternative. Haha!
Reply
:iconwrittenrevolt:
WrittenRevolt Featured By Owner May 24, 2011
Hey, this has been featured as part of #theWrittenRevolution's spring update. :heart:
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
=O Oh, wow! Thank you so much!

I'm very, very honored and thankful! :iconsmileyplz:
Reply
:iconwrittenrevolt:
WrittenRevolt Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2011
:hug:
Reply
:iconmonstroooo:
monstroooo Featured By Owner May 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Very charming - you've captured the innocence of childhood well :nod:

I used to have a pet lizard, but he wasn't very good at catching the crickets :hmm: You could try and watch him eat them... but you had to wait for a very long time...
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
Thank you very much! :dance:
Oh man, that must have been frustrating! I would have been like,"Come on already! Eat it! Eeeeat iiiiiiit!" :iconeagerplz:
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner May 12, 2011
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
Oh wow! I'm...surprised! XD
Pleasantly, happily, ecstatically surprised!
Thank you very, very, very kindly! That makes my day! :iconthankyouplz:
I'll definitely check out the other artists and fave the news article! :w00t:
Reply
:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner May 3, 2011   Writer
This is really good, I definitely enjoyed it; it was strangely bittersweet. I felt very sorry for the narrator by the end. :( Love the childlike tone, and I think it definitely holds interest all the way through; it's neither too long nor too short. :) Great piece.
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
Laugh-Till-You-Bleed Featured By Owner May 3, 2011
Thank you very much for taking the time to read it! =D
I'm glad you liked it and thank you again for the kind words. :w00t:
Reply
:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner May 10, 2011   Writer
You're very welcome :)
Reply
:iconhamsterlampshade:
hamsterlampshade Featured By Owner May 1, 2011
This was beautifully, and innocently disgusting. I read this and I thought back to when my cat died when I was six. All this innocence and no where to go. Fantastica!
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
Laugh-Till-You-Bleed Featured By Owner May 1, 2011
Haha! Love the first sentence you wrote. XD
Sorry about your cat, though. =(
Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to read it! :dance:
Reply
:iconhamsterlampshade:
hamsterlampshade Featured By Owner May 2, 2011
It's alright, put the past behind you and all that.

You is welcome!
Reply
:iconpokeyjones:
PokeyJones Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
1. I loved this story. The child's point of view was so cute and funny. It is probably exactly what a child would say and do.
2. I was pretty much interested the whole time. I though this story was pretty fun to read. I thought the end was really good and humorous.
3.Nope Perfect
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
Yay! It makes me happy to know that you liked it! :w00t:
Thank you very much for your kind words. =)
Reply
:iconpokeyjones:
PokeyJones Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Your Welcome :D
Reply
:iconstreeters:
Streeters Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
1. I enjoyed it. What I like the most is you captured a kids' mind and emotions perfectly. (Ex;I kept thinking, "Oh man, I wonder when he'll eat the cricket!" Then "Munch!" It was done. I was somewhat disgusted by it, but at the same time fascinated. )
2.Nope. It may be short,but the flow is good.
3.Again no. Your spelling and punctuation is flawless. ;)
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
Wow, thank you very much!
I'm very glad you liked it. :dance:
Thanks again for taking the time to read it!
Reply
:iconstreeters:
Streeters Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome.
And really,it was no problem. I love to read. :heart:
Reply
:iconfelice173:
Felice173 Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
It was animal planet, wasn't it?
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
XD I don't know if it was Animal Planet. It was a show back in the 80's. =P
Reply
:iconfelice173:
Felice173 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:DD There's many programme in the Tv like wild or pet rescue... poor Mr.Lizard :'(
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
True, true! XD
I hope he's in Lizard Heaven now. =P
Reply
:iconfelice173:
Felice173 Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Do you think that? Lizard Heaven, it's quiet weird. xD But I hope that too.
Reply
:iconarsenicsnap:
ArsenicSnap Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2011
NOOOO MR. LIZARD ;___;
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
Yeah...*sniffle*
Poor Mr. Lizard will be missed. :cry:
Reply
:iconwakip:
WaKip Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2011   Writer
-I sure did! It was one of those Beginning-Awww*happy face* End-AWWWW!*teary* kinda poems that I enjoy.
-I was very interested, the childs point of view being so innocent made me want to keep reading, I also always liked lizards, so that helped a bit. It was a short, interesting story that had a sad, and unexpected ending.
-I don't really see much wrong with it, I liked it all the way through, it was short enough to keep my interest(I hate long "Short" stories), but long enough to portray a story of sorts.
In my opinion, great job, 5/5, keep up the good work!
Reply
:iconlaugh-till-you-bleed:
Woo-hoo! Thank you for your kind words! It makes me very happy to hear you liked it. :dance:
Thanks again for reading it and for the feedback. =D
Reply
:iconwakip:
WaKip Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2011   Writer
No problem :)
Reply
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